Being seen as a skilled professional has a lot to do with perception and your prestige, and not so much your age. In future posts, we will be talking about how to manage the perception of others and how to build your prestige but, first, we should start with your own perception, which should focus on your core values, ego states, beliefs, and behaviours.
Core Values
Your values can be seen as the fuel for your rules-engine in your life. They are what you use to make decisions on a regular basis. You’ll learn more about decision-modeling in posts to come.
To determine your core values, you start by listing the things that are most important to you. It could be things like family, integrity, health, innovation, etc. There is really no limit to the length of your list, so go for gold.
Once you have your list, look at the first value and the second one on the list and add a tick mark next to the one you feel is the most important. Now move down the list and compare the third value to the first one and add a tick mark next to the one you feel more strongly about. Continue this process until you reach the end of your list, then repeat the process by comparing every value from top to bottom with the second value, then the third, and so on. Here is an example of a completed values list:
Core Values:
Integrity √
Health
Family √√√√√
Freedom √√√√
Innovation √√
Independence √√√
Now that you know your core values, it is time to look at your different ego states and how they affect your personal and professional life. For some more information on values elicitation, have a look here and here.
Ego States
During our early childhood years, we start to develop our personality and, throughout our lives, our personality develops certain ego states that are activated depending on the situations we find ourselves in. This does not mean that we have split personalities, so don’t worry. It just means that we are able to manage different situations with different mixes of our strengths and skills. Think of it as an actor would. An actor is able to change mannerisms, including body language, to portray a certain character.
To find out what ego states you have, think about different situations that you have found yourself in where you acted differently from how you normally act. An example would be the difference between how you act in front of colleagues at work and colleagues at a bar, or the difference between how you act at work and how you act at home with your family.
Once you have a list of the ego states that you believe you have, build a mental image for each ego state that you can think of so that you can mentally pull it up when you need it. Pulling up that image gives you the opportunity to put that ego state into the executive, which means that it is then the ego state that is running the show. To find out more about ego states, have a look at Mike Mandel’s video here.
Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are even trickier to work on than bahaviours, as they are so ingrained in your subconscious that you are often unaware of them. Your core beliefs drive many of your bahaviours and some beliefs limit you in ways that hold you back from professional success. In this section we will look at some limiting beliefs, where they come from, and how to apply positive change to them.
Let’s look at some core beliefs that could be classified as limiting beliefs:
- I’m not a good public speaker, so I will always shy away from situations where I need to speak in front of a group of people.
- I’m not good at managing confrontation, so I will stay away from difficult people and situations.
- I’m not good enough to work with senior-level people, as they won’t take me seriously.
The above beliefs are limiting because they are used as excuses for not doing something. None of the above beliefs are necessarily true in the long-term, as they are all based on skills that can be learned and honed. These limiting beliefs stem from experiences a person has had that made him/her feel inadequate, and that caused the person to apply the experience as a rule to enact the belief. Let’s analyse the above list a bit to see where the belief might have come from:
- I’m not a good public speaker, so I will always shy away from situations where I need to speak in front of a group of people.
At some stage, this person might have been pushed into a public speaking situation without being prepared and without having the required ego state in the executive. This situation had an adverse effect on his/her confidence, and he/she started to believe that he/she was just not good at public speaking. - I’m not good at managing confrontation, so I will stay away from difficult people and situations.
This is a common limiting belief for many people. When most people experience confrontation, the Fight or Flight mode is enacted and they feel extremely uncomfortable, which is not a desired state of mind, hence they try to avoid it. - I’m not good enough to work with senior-level people, as they won’t take me seriously.
This is also a common limiting belief, and, many times, it stems from one or two bad experiences with authoritative individuals. An example of this could be that you worked with a senior-level individual that has poor leadership skills and capabilities, and had little interest in supporting you. This would leave you with a belief that you are not good enough, even though it has nothing to do with you, but rather everything to do with the senior person’s ineptitude.
Before we look at how we can reframe and change the above beliefs, let’s look at a few ways that you can start training your mind to reframe negative statements to positive ones. This will make it easier for you to start working on your beliefs and behaviours. Here is a technique that you can start implementing immediately in your life to improve your ability to reframe negative views to positive ones:
Have to / Get to
We often say that we have to do something, which is, in a way, a negative statement, as it implies that you either have no choice or it is something that you would rather not do. It could also elicit a feeling of loss, like losing time, freedom, or resources. Examples of Have To statements are:
- I have to sit in traffic every morning on the way to work, so I lose two hours a day commuting
- I have to pick up the kids from school every afternoon, so I have to take time off from work
- I have to work late to finish a proposal, so I miss dinner with my family
Have to statements are not really useful in any sense and can cause unnecessary stress and frustration. Not saying what you have to do does not remove the responsibility of doing it but, by reframing the statement from “Have to” to “Get to”, you change the statement from a negative to a positive statement, and it leaves you with a sense of gain too. Let’s look at the above list again after applying the technique:
- I get to sit in traffic every morning on the way to work, so I get to listen to my favourite podcasts, I get to prepare mentally for my day, etc.
- I get to pick up the kids from school every afternoon, so I get to spend valuable time with them, I get to hear all about their day at school, etc.
- I get to work late to finish a proposal, so I get to hone my proposal writing skill, I get to lower my workload for tomorrow, I increase the chances of successfully making the sale, etc.
This technique is great at starting to train your brain towards more positive thinking. The more you apply this technique, the more natural it will become, and the easier it will be to reframe your beliefs in the future.
Right, now that you have a technique sussed that shows you how easy it is to start training your brain toward positive thinking, let’s look at how we can reframe the limiting beliefs we talked about earlier. Here is that list again and the reframing that can be applied:
- I’m not a good public speaker, so I will always shy away from situations where I need to speak in front of a group of people.
I’m not a good public speaker yet, so I will work on the skills needed to be better. I will also find my most suitable ego state for public speaking and be sure to put it in the executive at the right time. - I’m not good at managing confrontation, so I will stay away from difficult people and situations.
I’m not good at managing confrontation yet, so I will work on my active listening and observational skills in order to understand the situation better. Every confrontation is an opportunity to improve my skills and I welcome it. (A future blog post about professional communication will cover active listening, clean language, and observation) - I’m not good enough to work with senior-level people, as they won’t take me seriously.
I don’t feel confident yet to work with senior-level people, so I will work on my prestige and relevance in order to bring value to the relationship. The more I build my knowledge in my respective field, the more I have to offer. Professional maturity is less to do with my age and more to do with acumen.
Beliefs, whether they are limiting or not, are what drives our behaviours, and it is important to know that you actually have a lot of control over them as long as you are conscious of them, so spend the time to analyse yourself and put in the effort to change; it’s worth it!
If you are looking for some more in-depth information on core beliefs and managing limiting beliefs, have a look at this article at PositivePsycology.com.
Behaviours
In the words of the late, great philosopher Aristotle, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” This applies to good and bad habits/behaviours, so be mindful of that. You can be an expert at being a douche by just keeping at it for long enough!
Your behaviours are not just what you experience, but also what others experience when they are around you. Your behaviours program people’s perception of you, just like your verbal and body language does, so controlling your behaviours is great for influencing others positively.
Bad behaviours stem from your limiting beliefs and core values that are not aligned with positive actions. The good news is that you can change your behaviours with conscious effort and willingness to change.
Good behaviours stem from positive beliefs and core values, and it is important to identify these behaviours in order to strengthen them towards excellence. One easy way to identity positive behaviours is to ask your friends and family about their perceptions of you.
Changing your behaviours starts with you actively deciding to do it and sticking to it. Remember change has to be change, it has to be you, and it has to be now. These three criteria items need to be met for it to be effective.
- The change needs to be real and the behaviour to change needs to be properly identified and clearly defined.
- You need to be in control of the change and you need to take ownership. No one else is as incentivised as you are with regards to the change.
- You need to draw a line in the sand that starts off the change NOW. Change is not a future goal; it’s a NOW goal.
You have so much control over your behaviours and habits when you put in the effort required to change bad behaviours and build on good behaviours, so hack at it as much as you can and you will see how your professional life, and personal life, soars. Remember, The Law of Requisite Variety applies to all humans.
To end this article on your Self-Awareness, it would be good to remind you again that your value as a professional does not lie in your age but rather in your wisdom, your ability to manage your behaviours, and your ability to influence people’s perception of you. This all starts with you knowing yourself.